at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
