I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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