Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
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So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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