the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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