im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
