I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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