Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
