i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
