I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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