oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
