if only i could text you this smell
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
