I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I didn't notice because vodka
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We need to get me chipped asap
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
