First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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