Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
