someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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