Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
