Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
