VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
