when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
