My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
