And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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