I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
