whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
