I accidentally had phone sex last night
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
