SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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