You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
