I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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