Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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