I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
