Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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