Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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