Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
