there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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