The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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