I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
