Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
