my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
