My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
