She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
