Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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