one might say we're banned from that church
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
