oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
