Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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