I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
