When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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