a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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