ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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