How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
