Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
