I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
