moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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