Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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