I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
