she was so not down for the gang bang
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
