I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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