i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
