I can text with my tongue
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
