He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
